An unexpected element of retirement is that a couple may not have the same plans or outlook for retirement, leading to conflict and growing apart.
Retirement is a phase of life filled with unique challenges that can become even more daunting when a spouse is involved.
Have you considered the small fact that for the last 40 years, you and your spouse spent at least eight to nine hours apart, five days a week? Effectively, each of you developed your own free time away from each other and created your own identities while you were apart. Your interaction with other people became part of life.
Traveling to work was your “me-time”, as was time at home for ladies who were home managers. You could listen to the music you liked and buy or order the lunch you liked. Weekends were “us-time”, where you, as a couple, decided how to spend your time, what to eat, who to socialise with, and how to be “us”.
When you retire, all this changes. “Me” becomes “us” in more ways than one. For some, the change is for the better, but for others, the change can be an obstacle and a major challenge.
Some common challenges couples face in retirement
Often, retired couples start encroaching on each other’s personal space and have opinions on the other’s decisions and choices. This can lead to conflict and situations where time apart becomes sought after. It is important to realise and accept that everyone needs their space and is entitled to their opinions and choices. It is also important to realise that individual choices impact both parties. When retired, “we” becomes much more important than “me”.
Retirement can be complex, with many different factors to consider. For example, some couples may assume they will spend more time together once they both retire or start working in a different capacity, but this may not be a shared goal. Many dynamics are at play, and each one can contribute to the overall complexity of retirement planning.
The divorce rates for people over 50 are increasing globally and have tripled since 1990 for the age group above 65. The main factor for this tendency is the disconnect among many retired couples.
In my daily work as a financial planner and retirement advisor/coach, I often encounter couples with different expectations and visions. They often do not share the same values (monetary and emotional) related to assets and relationships. This in itself is not a problem. The problem is that this is not communicated with one another, leaving the impression that both parties feel the same about life and retirement, which in many situations is not the case.
Some couples discover that they have grown apart and feel that there is little keeping them together once their children have left home. This is aggravated if their children and grandchildren move overseas, which is happening more often nowadays. In some cases, one partner may feel that the newfound financial independence of retirement releases them from dependency on their partner and an unhappy marriage.
There are many challenges that can drive a wedge between couples. The real challenge is to identify these potential problem areas and find a solution to find common ground and grow closer together.
A good way to start a discussion is for each party to complete my “Couples Retirement Assessment”. It is a questionnaire with 28 questions, each with four potential answers:
Thought about it
Talked about it
Agree on it
Not applicable
Each party must answer the questions truthfully without the influence of the other party. Answers are compared at the end, and the idea is to get as many “agree on it” outcomes as possible. The more you agree, the better your chances of “being on the same page”.
As a matter of interest, my wife and I often talk about my and then her retirement (I am a bit older than her, and the idea of someday becoming a kept man is rather appealing), and we managed to “agree on it” in only seven of the 28 questions. We clearly need to sit down and agree on many things we thought were agreed on.
If you and your partner want to complete the exercise, click the link below, print two copies, complete the questionnaire, and compare the results. Discuss the outcome, and hopefully, some issues can be resolved (ignore the option to complete the exercise online):
I will now cover a few strategies that will hopefully help to move you a bit closer together as a couple, starting with:
Effective communication
It is common to hear people say, “We’re too busy” or “We just don’t have time”. Others assume they already know what their partner is thinking or feeling and want to avoid the topic of retirement because they know it will cause an argument.
Some people wrongly assume they will agree on everything and don’t feel the need to discuss such issues, only to discover later they have very different views of how they want to live in this next phase of life.
Some couples never learned how to have constructive conversations, compromise, or problem-solve together.
If the above was a challenge when you spent roughly 40% of your awake life together while working, imagine what it will be like to spend 100% of your awake life together once you are retired.
What do you think will happen to your relationship in retirement if some of the issues you have disagreed on are not addressed?
Modelling
Some people are more comfortable sharing thoughts, while others prefer to share feelings. Understand your partner and how they prefer to share. A common communication barrier for couples is that one focuses more on logic and the other on feeling. As a result, they often feel like the other isn’t hearing them or doesn’t get them.
In many couples, the woman is viewed as the more "emotional," and the husband is viewed as more rational. This is a typical stereotype misconception. There are many cases where the husband is more emotional than the wife, especially regarding money. Perhaps it is because he is more aware of potential future financial challenges that he never shared with his wife. It is common for husbands not to involve their wives in financial discussions and planning. I believe this is a grave mistake for many reasons, one of which is avoiding potential future disputes about finances.
Creating an impression that everything is fine as far as finances are concerned, while they are not, can hardly have a good outcome. This is the time to face reality and tell it like it is.
On the contrary, we have found that financial concerns are often unfounded. Sometimes, only a better understanding of the actual financial position and strategies can unruffle what is thought to be a complex situation.
Couples must create a framework to understand or grasp these intense feelings.
The ultimate solution is a compromise where a difficult subject must be addressed, such as moving home or discussing what will happen to a house on either party’s death. Couples may have very different emotions, feelings, and views on this. As a couple, one must avoid a power struggle and abandon views like “My way versus your way” or “Win versus lose”. One must establish a balance. It is a matter of give and take, a matter of compromise.
It may mean that you seek external help to accomplish this. No, you don’t necessarily need a psychologist, but a counsellor or a retirement coach can provide you with the tools to manage this. Note that I said, “for you to manage this”. Someone else cannot solve the problem; you need to do it.
Use “I” statements (Instead of “you” statements)
“I” statements express an individual’s thoughts and feelings. “You” statements project blame, guilt, and shame.
“I” statements teach you to take ownership and responsibility for your own feelings.
“I” statements make others less reactive and open the conversation to dialogue.
“You” statements make others feel as though they must defend themselves or justify their actions.
Example: “I feel hurt when I hear …” and “I think a perfect day in retirement would be …”
However, be careful. It is easier said than done. Old habits die hard, and communication can quickly revert to “you” statements that sound like the following:
“You make me feel …” and “You don’t …” and “You said …”
It helps to take one or two breaths and, upon exhaling, silently say to yourself, “Act, don’t react”. This will buy you some time to, rather than react, think about how you want to communicate effectively.
Listening
Very few of us are ever taught to be good listeners. I always say: “You have two ears and one mouth, which means you have to listen twice as much as you speak”. But I fail at it too.
Listen actively!
Stay present (don’t daydream while your partner is talking).
Focus on what the person is saying. Repeat and get confirmation of what was meant.
Don’t make assumptions.
Don’t interrupt.
Listen instead of focusing on your own response.
Now, give these pointers to your partner and ask them to extend you the same courtesy you will give them when they talk to you. Giving each other sufficient time to air your views, without interrupting, is important.
Mirroring
There is an exercise called mirroring attributed to Harville Hendrix, which is a simple form of reflecting what you’ve heard by repeating back what the speaker has said. Not interpreting or even paraphrasing. Repeating back the words allows the speaker to say that the listener did or didn’t hear the words correctly.
Sometimes people hear the first part but not the second part of a message, or vice versa. Mirroring is a helpful exercise for couples so they can really feel heard and understood.
Me then we
Talking about expectations is particularly important. Learning how to compromise is an important communication skill for couples. It is not unusual for couples to have different perspectives and to get stuck in polar positions. Space must be created for the “we” of the relationship, which means sometimes it’s “my way” and at other times it is “your way”.
When partners can open space for the “we” of the relationship, a “win-win” solution can be achieved if each is willing to make concessions for the good of the relationship. Often, couples discover that compromising can lead to creative solutions.
From this day forward, have a BLAST with your partner by adopting the following principles:
B = Blaming gets in the way. Don’t blame.
L = Listen without interrupting. Listen more than you speak.
A = Agree to disagree. Each one is entitled to an opinion.
S = Set a safe space for discussion. Where both parties feel comfortable and safe.
T = Take time to talk without distraction. If you “don’t have time”, make time.
The above sub-topics hardly scratch the surface; each can be an article in itself. I will elaborate more over time via my retirement community. Check it out. The website is still sparse, but it is alive.
Enjoy your second phase of life, and treasure your partner.
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